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Hi, I'm Lulu @ Ext 806, I'm a sultry, luscious, voluptuous, velvet voiced woman who loves educating men of all ages. Young and old. All men need the attention of a woman who knows exactly how to meet their sexual needs. Especially men who need help building or rebuilding their sexual self esteem. I will provide you sensations your body has been yearning for. Nobody understands what your body and mouth needs like I do.

I LOVE providing you opportunities to experience those unspeakable sexual fantasies you've held deep inside you for too long. You know, the ones your wife or girlfriend will never, ever, want to try or even approve of. Or the ones you fantasize at work about or while on the freeway in traffic.

Now is your chance to experiment with your sexual imagination in the safest way possible. There is no need for condoms because this is the safest sex I can offer you. No one needs to know what nasty and perverted things we do, I promise I won't tell anyone. Just call me, 702-650-5683, ask for Lulu, ext 806.

I'm a night person. The night time is the perfect time to discuss the most deviant sexual needs.

I'm usually available late afternoons til about 4:00 a.m. Pacific Time throughout the week and weekends.

Like a Doctor, in case of a sexual emergency, you may be able to reach me outside my hours. You can call 702-650-5683 and ask an operator to text me to see if I am available for you. She can even send you a FREE discreet text or email when I come on the line. Put me on your favorite model list, Lulu @ ext 806. Trust me, I know how important it is to get deviant sexual needs met. I will do it just the way you like it and as soon as possible.

When I'm not available by phone, you can always reach me by texting me through USLove.com. It's an inexpensive way to get your perverse needs met immediately.

When you're bored at a meeting, family get-together or anywhere else you're not getting your sexual needs met use your cell phone to reach me. Let me try to help you with some stimulating texts. I can get your mind in the place you'd much rather be, like in my bed with me between your legs. Or we can just arrange a time to talk, when it's convenient for you.

One more thing, I want to offer a sincere apology to callers who I have had to abruptly disconnect because another caller is trying to reach me. I don't get warnings when your receipt time is up. Sometimes I get so involved in the fantasy that I'm not paying attention to the clock and you have no time left. I feel bad because we weren't able to 'finish' the fantasy. My only suggestion is you might want to anticipate how many receipts will be needed to cover your fantasy to 'completion'. If this happens to you, please remember it wasn't something you said, we unfortunately ran out of time.

Call me at 702-650-5683, ask for Lulu @ ext 806


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*********My Personal Messages For My Callers And A Message for USLove Models**************
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I love leaving personal messages for you after you've called me. It's my way of letting you know how much I enjoyed you and sometimes add some thoughts and suggestions, too. I've been told that you like checking in occasionally to re-read it as a reminder of how much fun we had ;) Also, some of you like to read other's Personal Messages to get aroused by my other callers exploits and ideas! The thought of that arouses me, too.

A Big FYI, you can always text me through USLove if you want to respond to my messages, I can be reached 24-7 if you want to do that! I admit I do love receiving a HOT, NASTY, text message while I'm in my classroom with my students. It's even better when I'm alone in my classroom.

USLove Models, I decided to leave you messages, too. If you are like me, I like to check out my competition, so I check out your web pages. Also I listen to your greetings. What I've realized is it really isn't a competition. We are all so very different. That's what I think the callers love about this site. They can have ALL their sexual wants and needs met and all in the same day for some of them :)

Some of my callers worry that by posting their names on my private messages to them, they will anger one of the other girls they call. I hope not, but I'll call those callers 'John Doe' so they don't offend one, two, three or maybe four of you, no problem.

If you'd like to chat with me, you can ask a USLove operator to connect us.

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To: Michael
From: Miss Lulu

I enjoyed talking to you about your school counselor. He seems to want the best for you. I would follow all his recommendations
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To: Bobby
From: Mommy

We had a lot of fun with David and Lydia. You helped Lydia a lot. You are a very good boy.
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To: Roxie
From: Mistress Lulu

Roxie, Roxie, Roxie

You are a total Cum Dumpster. I may not need other candy as~ fa**ots besides you. You generously include your entire family in our money making activities. Even your Ex.

I look forward to our empire expanding!
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To: Stephen
From: Lulu

Am I really the best? Awwwwww, so sweet.
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To: Phil
From: Lulu

You are a very lucky boy that your dad married me. You are very lucky he travels a lot for work.
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To: Joe from Buffalo
From: Miss Lulu

I am looking forward to our next call. This one was so much fun!!!
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To: Jerry
From: Miss Lulu

We both love sweet sexy penis. So stimulating to touch, stroke and suck. When we take care of a penis together, it's magical. I still love the sound you make whenever I say 'Penis'.

I hope you have had sweet penis filled dreams.
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To: Brandon
From: Lulu

Forget Strap-ons, a real penis is much, much, much better. Wouldn't you agree?
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To: David
From: Lulu

You, Rod and I. How many positions can we get into? I stopped counting at 15. Up, down, over, under and the wheelbarrow. Unbelievable sensations.
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To: Carl
From: Mommy

I love how much attention you need from me. The hugging, the cuddling, the sucking and the .
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To: Steve
From: Lulu

I know, I know, you are not gay!!!!! You are just a hetero man who likes to suck coc~~ If only some women came with coc~~ instead of pussies.
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To: Sachmo
From: Lulu

Damn, you are insatiable. You wore Rod and I out! What ever was helping you out, bring some for us next time.
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To: Bobbie
From: Mommy

My friends love how you get them cleaned up and ready to go home after their sessions with Rod. Sometimes you even help Rod with the sessions. Good boy.
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To: Joe
From: Lulu

From 0 to 200 was exhilarating, but let's slow it down to savor the moments.
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To: John Doe
From: Lulu

You're still so much fun to play with! I didn't get to hear your sweet boyish, virginal voice but I did follow your request.
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To: Alvin
From: Lulu

You are such a whiny, weepy Candy As~ Bitch. I don't blame your wife wanting a divorce and asking for a video of you pleasuring my husband to show the judge. If you weren't paying me he wouldn't let you do it.
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To: Piggy
From: Mommy

You are my favorite and first piggy. I love your snout between my toes.

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To: Paulie/Vanessa
From: Miss Lulu

You love coming over and dressing up. You become a beautiful girl with the confidence to control my male visitors. They come for you more than they come for me.
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To: Larry
From: Lulu

We were very busy tonight. Actually you were very busy tonight. My 'friends' love you. I love you more.
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To: Ed
From: Lulu

Your secret is safe with me. I won't tell anybody that you fantasize about sucking a man's c*ck while a woman teaches you how to do it. You are a fantastic student, call again soon for another lesson. And I believe you when you say you are not gay.
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To: David
From: Lulu

Thank you very much for your sweet compliments. I love giving you what you need, when you need it.
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To: Bobbie
From: Mom

You are the best party helper ever!!!! My guests love your personal attention to their personal needs.
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To: Steve
From: Lulu

Yes, I know I have talented feet. With age comes experience, lucky you.
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To: Greg
From: Lulu

Now you know what happens when you spy on our daughter while she is in the shower. Next time I won't let you even touch us.
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To: Tom
From: Lulu

How many weeks has it been???? Your testicles are meant for short term storage. Set the little guys free!
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To: Dewey
From: Lulu

Elevators can be soooo much fun!!!!
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To: Dylan
From: Mommy

You made Harvey are very happy Uncle. You always do!!!
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To: John, My English Son
From: Mummy

After all my boyfriends have gone home, you arrive just in time to clean me up. It's a chore you don't seem to mind.
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To: Sidney, My Much Older Husband
From: Lulu, Your Young Sexy Wife

I'm very lucky to have a husband who understands that if he is not able to satisfy me that I will seek attention from other men. The least I can do is allow you to watch.
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To: David
From: Miss Lulu

You become such a fantastic coc~ sucking sissy bitch the minute I put panties and a camisole on you. The thigh high fish nets and f*ck me pumps make you even more arousing to my gentlemen clients. Keep up the good work!
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To: Joe
From: Lulu

You are still my #1 AS~ LOVER!!!! NONE of my other men love women's as~~~ more than you!!!
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To: Phil
From: Lulu

I enjoyed getting to know you better. It will be up to you to prove yourself worthy of my attention. Yes, I am willing to 'tan your hide' as needed, but you better not waste my time just looking for a 'tanning'
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To: San Francisco Bob
From: Lulu

I learn so much from you. I end up with the most educational orgasms: )
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To: Eddie
From: Lulu

I'm glad I was available for a quickie. Nothing makes me happier than helping you get off before you go to work. Be a good boy, baby.
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To: Richard the Rectal Rangerette
From: Lulu

You are so damn sexy!!!
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To: Steve
From: Lulu

I love when you check in to tell me how Kayla, you and her mom are doing. You continue to do so much to help Kayla develop. It sounds like you and Kayla have a very special way of connecting.
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To: Nick
From: Lulu

Let's do a quick review of my expectations:

You will have it done bare back.
You will be swallowing.
I want your face in all pictures and videos.
You will post the pics on a 'for profit' web site and I will get the profits.

Did I forget anything?
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To: Andy
From: Lulu

I love being your booty call after you have been your gentlemen friends booty call. We seems we all get sexually satisfied.
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To: Teddy
From: Mommy

You found out what happens when you try spying on me when I'm with your Uncle Harvey. I was a bit surprised when you asked if you could join us. I'm very glad you did. So is Uncle Rod.
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To: Kathy, Woman In Training
From: Lulu

I love playing on the phone with you. You are getting braver and braver.
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To: Jeff
From: Lulu

You handled it very well. There was nothing to be afraid of. I was there for you. Harvey wants to come by again.
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To: Steve, Winner of the Smallest Dick Award!!!
From: Lulu

I wouldn't have believed you if you hadn't had Bernadette email me those pictures of your dick. I have never, ever seen one smaller. And you know I've seen my share of small ones. Thankfully, it's cute. I'd play with it, somehow.
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To: Dave
From: Lulu

You said you were up for ANYTHING! It took one BBC to scare you away! Be more specific next time : )
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To: Natalie
From: Mommy

You are my favorite daughter who is a slut. You help me sooo much with my hard to please customers, oops, I meant 'Uncles'.
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To: Tom
From: Mom

I'm not sure what makes your c*ck harder, seeing my bare breasts or my breasts covered by a very tight leather jacket. Either way, I win.
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To: Brian
From: Lulu

You make sure to meet ALL my needs!!! And I do mean ALL! Nice!
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To: Steve
From: Lulu

Hopefully you are now motivated to pay my boyfriend the money you owe him. Unfortunately, part of me things you really enjoyed what Harvey and I did to you.
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To: Harry
From: Lulu

Go get the piercing. It will give you something to play with when you are by your lonesome.
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To: Kevin
From: Lulu

To paraphrase Freddie Mercury, I love that I found me somebody to squirt.
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To: Mark
From: Professor Lulu

You did very well with your extra credit as~~~~~~nt! You don't have to worry about losing your football scholarship now. Harvey the janitor says you earned the 'A'.
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To: Dave
From: Lulu

Thank you for letting me share some memories with you.
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To: John
From: Mommy

Thank you for giving Mommy such a great foot massage with your tongue. I hope you enjoyed how I massaged your coc~ with my tongue. Mmmmmmm.
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To: Damon
From: Mommy Lulu

You are such a good boy. David loves how you take care of him as he takes care of me. You are a very good cum bucket, too.
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To: Barry
From: Lulu

I hope the orgasm eased your stressful day. Sometimes a quickie is all you need to get your head back into the game. Pun intended :)
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To: Tommy
From: Mommy

I love coming home from work and finding you in my bed. You know exactly what to do to make me feel sooo good after a long day.
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To: Bill, My Neighbor
From: Lulu

My girlfriends loved having you as our entertainment. We rarely get to humiliate a naked man together. Too bad you had to leave at the beginning of 'Bobbing for Donuts'. We had a lot more planned for you.
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To: John
From: Lulu

Your wife won't let you play with men any more but I will. Harvey loved how you made him feel. He wants to come back for more. Let me know when you are ready.
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To: Brian
From: Aunt Lulu

Please don't tell anyone what you did to me. I don't even let your Uncle do that to me. When can we do it again?

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To: Joe
From: Lulu

You are a very sexy man, but you already know that! Cum back again sometime.
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To: Bree, USLove Model
From: Lulu

I'm here!!!!! :)
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To: Garrett
From: Lulu

We would have sooo much fun if you were my son. I don't know how your mom controls her sexual urges around you! She is such a coc~ tease!
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To: Dave
From: Lulu

I love the image you create of you being a SheMales rag doll. I can totally picture you being tossed and turned into various positions to satisfy her sexual needs. Sometimes it can be a good thing being a wimp.
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To: Randy
From: Mommy

You looked so good in my panties. You felt so good, too. I hope I made you feel good.
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To: Gwen. USLove Model
From: Lulu

I STILL love your breasts the mostest.
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To: Rick From North Hollywood
From: Lulu

I love sharing porn links with you. You have the hard to find ones that I love so much.
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To: Gary
From: Lulu

We shared with each other deep, dark secrets. I feel I can trust you. Can you trust me to tell me more?
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To: Will
From: Mommy

I come home and I find you in my bedroom with my dirty panties all over the floor and you're rolling over them naked! You are wearing one pair like a mask!!! That was sooo fuc~~~~ hot!
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To: Dennis
From: Mommy

I love when you join me in bed when Daddy is away. Hopefully, we'll be having that baby sister you have been wanting soon.
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To: Steve, My Younger Brother
From: Lulu, Your Bi-Sexual Sister

You thought by catching me with my girlfriend you could black mail me into some anal play with you. I admit that I don't want Mom finding out, but now that I have pics of you taking a 'strap-on' from my girlfriend, I don't think you plan on tattling anymore! Especially with the big smile you have on your face!
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To: Chuck!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Lulu

You're back!!!! I missed you!!! It didn't seem like your wife had missed me. I know being tied to a chair and watching me take care of ALL your needs isn't her favorite thing, but unless she learns how I do it, you will NEVER be satisfied!
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To: Mark, My BFF's Son
From: Lulu

I wasn't expecting you to come home when I was housesitting for your mom. Finding you masturbating with my panties while you were watching porn was quite arousing. Making you suck my gentleman friend's coc~ to keep your secret was even better! Your mom thinks you are soooo perfect, Harvey thinks you are perfect, too ;)
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To: Paul
From: Mom

You are such a naughty boy!!!!! Pretty soon you'll be a naughty Daddy, too.
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To: Chris
From: Lulu

I am enjoying you immensely. You know what you want and I will very happily give it to you.
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To: Walt
From: Lulu

I love where your perverted mind takes me. We should be ashamed of ourselves! Come back soon!
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To: Cousin John
From: Nancy, Your Fiance

I promise, promise, promise that as your wife I will let you fuc~ me every single night. ***********************************************************************************************
To: Nelson
From: Lulu

You need someone like me to do things to you against your will. At least that's what you want me to believe. Sounds very good to me.
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To: Corey
From: Mommy Lulu

I'm going to make so much money off you! First, pimping you out to all my perverted male friends, then posting videos of the activities on a pay to see porn site. I'll be able to increase your allowance!!!
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To: John, John, John
From: Lulu

I should be paying you for the call. Damn, you are good!!!!
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To: Michael, My Slut
From: Lulu

Harvey and I enjoyed you immensely. You are not the wildest we have had, but it's something we would definitely like to work on with you. Cum back soon.
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To: Bruce, My Diaper Baby
From: Lulu

Spanking your diapered bottom gives me such pleasure but I prefer spanking your naked as~~ Such a naughty diaper boy!!!!!
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To: Tim
From: Saint Lulu

Take the panties home. Use and abuse them. Hand wash them and bring them back. We can continue where we left off.
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To: Rachael
From: Lulu

You are learning the tricks of a Slut's trade. You will get all the coc~~ you want and need once you master them. Be patient.
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To: Jim in New York
From: Lulu

You are one lucky, candy as~, sissy boy. So many of my callers would love a wife like yours. Getting B.B.C. delivered to your bedroom on a regular basis. Even I'm jealous of you.
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To: My Son
From: Mommy

I hope I was able to make you feel better. I'm not sure how that happened to you. Daddy said he didn't do it.
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To: Kimberly
From: Lulu

You are so sexy in those pink panties and pink stockings. No wonder all my boys love you!And I promise, cross my heart, that I truly love watching you please them. I learn a lot ;)
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To: Larry
From: Lulu

I love our mutual sexual satisfaction mind set. We both want the other to cum first. Perfect!
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To: Russell
From: Lulu

An Operator calls me and tells me you want me to see a picture of your coc~ before you make a first time call to me. That was very thoughtful of you and she did email me the picture. But you don't call me!!! Too embarrassed? It's not the smallest I've seen but it would be second place.
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To: Jim
From: Lulu

I love hearing about your family's sexual exploits! Is it too late to be adopted??? Thank Bree for her kind words about me. I don't think you could handle both of us at the same time, but I could be wrong :)
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To: Joe
From: Lulu

You make Harvey feel soooo good. I know you do that to please me. You are such a good boy!
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To: Brian, My Panty Boy
From: Lulu

I love a guy who knows how to dirty me up. You are able to make me do things others can't. You're a very lucky Dirty Boy.
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To: James
From: Lulu

You took the news pretty well. You are going to be a father, sorta. The real father is our daughter's boyfriend you made a stupid bet with. You are really the one to blame, but I forgive you. I should Thank You, too. He has an amazing B.B.C.
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To: Wonder Woman
From: Your Archenemy, aka Super Slut

How I love to watch you struggle, tied down with your own Lasso of Truth. The way it binds your breasts is breathtaking. Your amazing thighs are powerless. Try to escape, please, me and my boys are really enjoying the show.
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To: David
From: Lulu

Give in to the urge. You know you want to do it. Don't blame the alcohol. Man up to your desires.
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To: Jerry
From: Mommy

You surprised me with your request. Luckily I had what you wanted. You took it nice and deep. I'm proud of you!!!
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To: Jack
From: Lulu

Welcome to my world, First Time Caller!!!! You are a sweetheart! You are a fantastic puss~ sucking AND coc~ sucking bitch. My husband thanks you for meeting both our needs. Cum back soon!
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To: Steve, My Husband
From: Lulu, Your Wife

That was soooo fuc~~~~ hot being the stripper at your co-workers's Bachelor Party. Them not knowing I was your wife made it even hotter! The look on your face as I was D.Ped by your Boss and the Groom to Be was priceless!
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To: Mike from Chicago
From: Lulu

I could not find the clinical term for 'road trip horniness' on the internet. But I did find out what a 'French Road Trip' is. A 'French Road Trip' is 'a sexual act where one's partner uses his or her tongue to trace their entire body and orifices starting with the top of the head and ending at their toes, making sure not to miss any areas including but not limited to vag, wang, balls and bung hole'. You always find a way to educate me!
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To: Billy
From: Lulu

You never learn, do you??? You think I'm not going to punish you for the nasty things you do? Humiliation seems to be the only thing that works for you. You are a twisted little fuc~~~~
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To: Jeff
From: Lulu

My,my,my. You are a dirty, dirty, dirty boy. When you said you'd do anything, you were not lying! I love it!!!
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To: David from Texas
From: Lulu

BBC can be very addictive. I will gladly be your source for it, but only if you have the skills needed to satisfy it. I hate wasting Harvey's time with a rookie.
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To: Shy Boy,John
From: Lulu

You are not the first customer to find my massages educational. I hope you enjoyed the taste of your first lesson.
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To: Joe
From: Lulu

You are still my #1 AS~ LOVER!!!! NONE of my guys love women's as~~~ more than you!!!
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To: Alan
From: Your Wife

You are the best husband. You come home from working hard all day and clean up the mess left behind by Harvey. Just remember, I was already a coc~ whore when you married me.
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To: Doug
From: Mom

Promise me you won't tell your Dad or your friends what I did to you. It could cause a lot of problems. People won't understand the bond we have. I love taking care of ALL your needs.
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To: Sam
From: Lulu

You said I could make you do anything I wanted you to do but it couldn't involve a Water Buffalo. Hopefully, you were still able to enjoy yourself ;)
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To: Tushar
From: Lulu

Are you a true cum bucket? You weren't lying to me, were you? You seemed to be sincere when you said you wanted to be my bitch.
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To: Alan
From: Lulu

Welcome Back!!!You are even more perverted than you were before, lucky me!!!!***********************************************************************************************
To: Patrick
From: Lulu

You are making fantastic progress!!! Your sex life is going to get better and better. I can't wait for it to be your wife's turn!!!
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To: Michael, Porn Watching King
From: Lulu, Porn Watching Queen

I have met my male match!!!!! Finally someone who understands the compulsion. I will never have to go down the rabbit hole alone again.
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To: Tony
From: Lulu

Jars of Mayonnaise and Raspberry Jam. Much better than a Flesh Light any day!!!! You gotta trust me! I'll clean up the mess, we will leave the Box Boy out of this one.
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To: Very Horny Daddy
From: Lulu

Father's Day is coming up. I know what the perfect gift your daughter could give you and it wouldn't cost her a thing. If you were lucky, she would still have her school uniform to wear while she wrestles you!
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To: Terry
From: Lulu

Your girlfriend needs to improve her skills with BBC. I end up having to do twice the work in our foursomes. Harvey appreciated your input, too ;)
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To: Chuck
From: Lulu

I'm glad I could take care of your needs. Poor baby, waking up with a hard on and no one there to fuc~, sucks!
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To: Rick
From: You Know Who

We didn't get a chance to play '7 Minutes in Heaven' :( Lydia and Kristy are very disappointed!
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To: Jim from Arizona
From: Lulu, the Babysitter

I appreciate that you let me practice on you. I like to be good at everything I do. You are lucky I don't have a boyfriend, yet.
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To: Paul
From: Mom

I always love when you come while visiting us at home. And you always make sure everyone gets a fill from you. You are our favorite Son, Grandson and Uncle. Come again, soon!!!!
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To: Joey, My Favorite Nephew
From: Auntie Lulu

Staying with Auntie Lulu can be quite educational, but I really don't think you need to share with your mom what you learned. I look forward to our next lesson with Harvey.
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To: Ray
From: Mom

I enjoyed our time together. Don't be a stranger.
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To: Baby Boy
From: Mommy

I'm glad I could make you feel all better.
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To: Daniel
From: Lulu

You and I both know that was a very, very, very taboo fantasy. But there is nothing wrong with feeling very, very, very good is there?
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To: N**** Son
From: Mommy

You make me call you such naughty, nasty names. I do it because it makes you feel soooo good. Mommies will do ANYTHING for their sons.
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To: Shawn
From: Miss Lulu

That was very hot!!!
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To: Earl
From: Lulu

OMG!!! That was soooo fun and funny! I'll try to keep the coc~ suckers away next time, but I'm not making any promises. And stop offering them Oreos!!!
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To: John
From: Lulu

It was very nice getting to know you. We have a few things in common and we both LOVE sex. It's too bad we had to stop right after I poured the beer on my breasts. You owe me an orgasm.
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To: Bobby
From: Mommy

I bet your glad your friend told you what I've been doing to him when you invite him to a sleep over. Now when he stays the night, you will both want to play with me, mmmmmm.
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To: Don
From: Lulu

Finally a man who knows how to pleasure a woman's feet! Amazing style, baby. You can come over me anytime ;)
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To: Brendon
From: Lulu

Yes, I do write messages to my callers. And I did what you asked me to do ;)
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To: Hassan
From: Miss Lulu

You are my new favorite toy. I get to dress you up and then treat you like the slut you are.
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To: Bill
From: Lulu

Trust me, I definitely know what you are talking about. I really do feel your pain. It comes with the territory, no pun intended :) Deep down you know it's worth it!
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To: Michael, My Adopted Son
From: Miss Lulu

I understand your needs. Don't disappoint me. Stay true to me.
***********************************************************************************************
To: George
From: Lulu

A cucumber covered in chocolate syrup will be the closest you EVER get to a BBC. I don't think you even deserve it, but lucky for you I was in a good mood.
***********************************************************************************************
To: San Francisco Jim
From: Lulu

Your wife is sounds like a wonderful woman. You totally understand that being a whore is one of many attributes that she has. Out of the 1,000+ men she has been with, you are the one she wants and loves, the others just attempt to satisfy her sexual needs.
***********************************************************************************************
To: Alvin
From: Lulu

My, my, oh my!!! That was a first for me, too.
***********************************************************************************************
To: Jeff
From: Lulu

I knew by the way you watched my every move in the classroom that you wanted me. I'm not sure I'm willing to jeopardize my job for you. Are you worth it?
***********************************************************************************************
To: Dennis
From: Lulu

You need to find a 'Lydia' of your own. No one would know your secret if you find the right 'girl'. You will definitively get your needs met. All your needs.
***********************************************************************************************
To: Raymond
From: Lulu

You definitely need a teacher to show you the way to satisfy an older woman. You have a lot of potential. Let me help you improve your skills.
***********************************************************************************************
To: Jim
From: Lulu

My, my, my. The things I let you do! I should be ashamed of myself, but I'm not.
***********************************************************************************************
To: Keith
From: Lulu

Thanks for coming over and helping me satisfy Harvey. You have some excellent skills. Harvey wants you to join in again, soon.
***********************************************************************************************
To: Bill
From: Mommy

Thank you for inviting me to join you in bed. Daddy is away and I was feeling so lonely. You made me feel so good. Next time I'll let you join me in my bed when Daddy is away.
***********************************************************************************************
To: Larry
From: Lulu

I want you to be my neighbor!!!!I would be willing to compensate you for the show. I'm sure we could work something out that would make both of us very happy.
***********************************************************************************************
To: Ray
From: Lulu

Getting babysat at your age is not a bad thing when I'm the babysitter. What we did was wayyyy more fun than Nintendo.
***********************************************************************************************
To: Darian, USLove Model
From: Lulu

Sometimes to get in the mood, I look at your pictures. You make smoking look sooo sexy.
***********************************************************************************************
To: Ben
From: Lulu

I love my nasty puppy sooo much. I could play with you for hours!!!
***********************************************************************************************
To: Chuck
From: Lulu

Lucky you that your business partner had you get the important papers he left at his mother's house. What are the odds that she loves sucking a younger man's dick? Too bad she is married, you could be your business partner's dad!!!!
***********************************************************************************************
To: Randy
From: Mommy

Ever since Daddy left you have been taking care of all my needs. I am very lucky to have you. All you want in return is my dirty panties. I think you deserve much more than that.
***********************************************************************************************
To: Jimmy
From: Lulu

I think your mom needed what you had to offer her. Don't blame yourself. You both had needs.
***********************************************************************************************
To: Jim
From: Lulu

I love a man who wants to please me. It pleased me very much using a 'strap on' on you. Thank you.
***********************************************************************************************
To: Cum Bucket
From: Mistress Lulu

I hope you are serious about what we talked about. Some boys are all talk. Are you?
***********************************************************************************************
To: Ronnie
From: Lulu

Very hot. I love how you agree to any of my suggestions. Good boy!
***********************************************************************************************
To: Rip
From: Lulu

From one perv to another, I enjoyed every minute of it!!!
***********************************************************************************************
To: Bruce
From: Lulu

You know you wanted him. You know you would have satisfied him better than your wife. It is okay to feel that way, trust me.
***********************************************************************************************
To: Eric
From: Lulu

We would make a great team in the parking lots and restrooms. You don't mind doing all the 'work' while I collect the money, do you?
***********************************************************************************************
To: Phil
From: Miss Lulu

You better keep your promise, or no more after school tutoring. I'll just flunk your sorry as~~
***********************************************************************************************
To: Little Brother Tommy
From: Big Sister Lulu

Finally, you got your wish!!! You're welcome.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
----------------------------------------(.)(.)---Naughty, Nasty, Filthy Jokes!!!---(.)(.)----------------------------------------
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
***********************************************************************************************

Do you know the difference between your job and your wife?

In 5 years your job will still suck.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Whats the definition of a vagina?

The box a penis comes in.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Whats the definition of eternity?

The time between when you cum and she leaves.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

What is a zebra?

25 sizes larger than an 'A' bra.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries.

The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, 'Come this way,' and heads towards the back of the store.

'If I could come that way,' she tells the retreating clerk, 'I wouldn't need the batteries.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

David was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey.

As the barman poured David the drink, he remarked, 'That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?'

After quickly downing his drink, David replied, 'I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend.'

'Wow,' exclaimed the barman, as he poured David a second triple scotch, 'No wonder you need a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house.'

As David downed his second triple scotch, the barman asked him, 'What did you do?'

'I walked over to my wife,' David replied, 'I looked her straight in the eyes and told her that we were through, to pack her stuff and to get the fuc~ out!'

'That makes sense,' said the barman, 'but what about your best friend?'

David replied, 'I walked over to him, looked him right in the eyes and said, 'BAD DOG! BAD DOG!'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

How many goldfish does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but how the fuc~ do they get in there?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Roses are red, violets are fine,
I'll be the 6, if you will be the 9.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewelry, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked. Bring beer.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My friend, David, walked into a bar and ordered a dozen martinis.

The barman asked, 'A dozen? What's the occasion?'

'Well,' said David, 'it's for my first blowjob.'

'Let me tell you, friend,' the barman replied, 'If you can drink all of them, I'll give you the thirteenth one on the house!'

'No thanks,' said David, 'if twelve of them won't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will!'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man walked into a small town bar with his dog 'Rover'.

Rover rolled over, played dead, jumped when told, ate potato chips and peanuts and even drank beer.

The bar owner said, 'That is one smart dog. Where did he learn so many tricks?'

The man said, 'I taught him everything he knows.'

The bar owner asked, 'What else can he do?'

The man said, 'His favorite trick is the latest trick Ive taught him.'

'What's that?' asked the bar owner.

'Fucking women.' replied the man.

'You're fuc~~~~ joking,' said the bar owner, 'I'd love to see that! Ill get Mary, our waitress - she'll do anything.' The bar owner returned with Mary, who turned out to be very attractive. Mary lifted up her skirt and bent over.

The man unzipped his pants, took out his coc~ and said, 'Okay, Rover, I'll show you just one more time!'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles --something she REALLY seemed to enjoy.

As he was also enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because', she replied, 'I miss mine'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A young lady goes to the doctor for a physical.

Afterward, the doctor says, 'You're in perfect health, except for those abrasions on your knees.'

The woman says, 'Oh, those are carpet burns from having sex doggie style.'

The doctor says, 'Don't you know any other positions?'

She says, 'Yes, but my dog doesn't.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun. 'This is a stickup!' he yells, 'Put all your dough in a bag!'

'Don't shoot,' pleads the bartender, 'I'll do whatever you say!' The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over.

The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, 'All right, now give me a blow job!'

'Anything!' cries the bartender, 'Just don't shoot!' The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy.

After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun. The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. 'Hold the gun, damn it,' he says. 'One of my friends might walk in!'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms.

'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks.

'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Bobby was talking to his friend Thomas at the bar. 'My wife is pissed off at me, AGAIN!'

'What did you do this time?', asked Thomas

'Well, last night when she was in bed fast asleep, I gently removed her tampax and replaced it with a Party Popper, leaving the string hanging out. I'm telling you that bitch has no sense of humor at all!!!'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My last girlfriend called me a pedophile.

Pretty big word for a 12-year-old.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

What do you call a woman who loves small dicks?

Hopefully, your girlfriend.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A woman called her boss one morning and told him she was staying home because she didn't feel well.

'What's the matter?' he asked.

'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she replied wearily.

'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'

'I just can't see my as~ coming in to work today.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!'

The teacher smiles and says, 'Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, 'Wow , Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, 'That part where the hair has grown is called your Monkey, be proud that your Monkey has grown hair.' The girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, 'My monkey has grown hair.'

Her sister smiled and said, 'Thats nothing, mine is already eating Daddy's banana.'

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

At the greeting card shop, a woman was spending a long time poring over the cards, trying to find something appropriate.

Seeing that she was having trouble finding what she wanted, a clerk came over and asked, 'May I help you?'

'I don't know', said the woman. 'Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When a ninety-year-old man announced that he was going to marry a woman of thirty-three, his daughter urged him to have a medical examination first to see if he was still capable sexually.

The doctor said: 'Let me see your sexual organs.'

The old man stuck out his tongue and his little finger.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two BFFs were visiting a zoo when they found themselves at the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection.

Unable to contain herself, one of the women reached in to touch it.

As soon as her arm entered the cage, the gorilla grabbed her and drew her into the cage, slammed her to the floor, and fuc~~~ her senseless.

A few days later in the hospital, the friend visited and asked her BFF if she was hurt.

'Hurt?!... Hurt ?! You bet I'm hurt! He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written, nothing.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A young woman bought a mirror at an antique shop and hung it on her bathroom door.

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully said: 'Mirror, mirror on my door, make my bust-size 44.'

Instantly there was a brilliant flash of light and her breasts grew to an enormous size.

Excited, she ran to tell her husband and a few minutes later they both returned to the bathroom.

This time, the husband said, 'Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor.'

Again, there was a blinding flash of light . . . then both his legs fell off
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A guy sat down at a bar, ordered a drink, and put his head in his hands.

'What's up?' asked the bartender.

'I'm in deep shit,' said the guy, 'I just got caught screwing my neighbor.'

'Who caught you?' asked the bartender. 'Your wife?'

'No,' replied the guy. 'His wife.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Three old guys were sitting around complaining about their declining health.

The first guy said, 'My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning, I almost cut my ear off.'

The second guy said, 'My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast.'

The third guy said, 'My hands shake so bad that the last time I went to pee, I came taking my coc~ out.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An elderly couple were sitting quietly on the porch in their rocking chairs when, without warning, the old man reached over and slapped his wife.

'What was that for?' she demanded.

'That's for forty years of rotten sex!'

She said nothing, but a few minutes later she slapped him back.

'What was that for?' he asked, shocked.

'That's for knowing the difference!'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Lydia was telling her friend Kristy what had happened on her date the previous night when she had brought a guy home.

'The bastard called me a slut and a whore!' said Lydia.

'What did you do?' asked Kristy.

'I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom and take his eight friends with him!!!!'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

After an evening's drinking, Jake said to his girlfriend Julie just as she was about to go home, 'I'll bet you two dollars that I can screw you for twenty-five minutes without coming inside you.'

'You're crazy,' said Julie. 'You never keep going that long. Here's two dollars that says you can't.'

The four dollars was placed on the table, and they took off their clothes. Jake then began screwing her passionately.

A minute later, she cried out, 'You just came inside me!!!'

Jake climbed off her, shrugged and said, 'You Win.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

What did the coc~ say to the condom?

'Cover me, I'm going in.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

What do men do after an orgasm?

1% Do it for the second time

1% Go to Eat

1% Fall Asleep

97% Clear their Browser History
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A female elephant was walking through the jungle one day when she got a thorn in her foot. The further she walked, the more it hurt until eventually she began to limp.

After a while, an ant came over to her and asked 'What's the matter?'

The elephant replied, 'I've got this thorn in my foot, and I would do anything to get it out'.

The ant said 'Anything? Would you let me butt-fuck you???'

The elephant thought about it for a minute and decided what the hell. How bad could an ant be? So she agreed.

The ant started pulling on the thorn and soon got it out.

True to her word, the elephant lay down on her side and moved her tail out of the way. The ant crawled up on her and started getting to work.

This unlikely scene was watched from the top of a tree by a monkey who laughed so much that he accidentally knocked a coconut out of the tree. The coconut crashed down on the elephant's head, right between her ears.

'Aaaaargh!' moaned the elephant in pain.

The ant yelled back, 'Take it all bitch, take it all'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Three boys received their grades from their female Sex Education Instructor.

One got a 'D +', the second a 'D-' and the third an 'F'.

'Can you believe she gave us those grades?!? We should punish her for this,' said the first boy.

'I agree', said the second boy. 'We can grab her and hold her down'.

'Yeah', said the third boy. 'And then we'll take turns kicking her in the nuts!'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because he was stuck in the chicken.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Three women go out to the bar and really tie one on.

The following morning they run into each other at work. The first says, 'Wow, I got so drunk last night that I was running around the bar without my top on'.

The second says, 'That isn't nothing. When I got home I couldn't get the room to stop spinning and I fell down the stairs'.

The third says, 'That isn't nothing. When I got home I blew chunks'.

The other two say, 'That isn't so bad'.

The third says, 'You don't understand, Chunks is my dog'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Knock, Knock!
Who's There?
Anita!
Anita who?
Anita Dick inside me!!!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.

Mickey spoke to the Judge about the separation.

'I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you, two, on the grounds that Minnie is insane'.

Mickey replied, 'I didn't say she was insane, I said that she's fuc~~~~ Goofy'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Little Johnny walked in on his parents humping away in their bedroom and immediately turns and leaves. They are both really embarrassed.

The father goes to talk to him about what he just saw and explain the birds and the bees.

Dad goes to Johnny's room but he's not there. He checks the den, the kitchen and the bathroom but he can't find him anywhere.

He hears some noises coming from Grandma's room, opens the door and sees Johnny on top of Grandma repeating what he just saw his parents doing.

His father shouts in disgust, 'Johnny! Stop!'

Johnny says, 'Yeah, it's not so nice when it's YOUR mom is it'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, 'Say, you wanna have a good time?' as she looked him up and down seductively.

'Sure,' he says and they are off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, 'Is this the first puss~ you've seen since you crawled out of one?'

The guy says, 'Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A friend of mine told me he's having sex with his girlfriend and her twin.

'How can you tell them apart?', I asked.

'Her brother's got a beard', he replied.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Another friend of mine told me that he finally talked his girlfriend into shaving her big hairy bush. It turned out he had a boyfriend.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A beautiful snail gets gang raped by a group of snail thugs.

The cop asked her if she could identify her attackers.

She says, 'I don't know, it all happened so fast'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the Blonde Lesbian?

She preferred coc~~
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

What do you get when you cross a pickle and a deer?

A dilldoe
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It's spring, and the cub comes out of his cave. His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes.

His mother says, 'Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?'

'Hibernate? Shit, Ma, I thought you said 'masturbate'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off???
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An old lady went to visit her dentist.

When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs.

The dentist said, 'Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist.'

'I know,' said the old lady. 'I want you to take my husband's teeth out'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An old couple were laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, 'If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which gender is better.

Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, 'Here's something I have that you'll never have!'

The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.

A while later, she comes running back with a big smile on her face. She lifts her dress, pulls down her ruffled panties and yells, 'My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q. Why does Miss Piggy douche with lemon and honey?

A. Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q. Whats the difference between being hungry and horny?

A. Where you put the cucumber.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q. Whats the difference between a woman and a fridge?

A. A Fridge doesnt fart when you pull your meat out
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A family is driving along the highway when all of a sudden someone throws a dildo out of their window.

The dildo lands with a bang on the familys windshield and everyone gets a big fright.

With horror in their eyes the parents stare at each other and the father turns on the wipers, but it's too late and their son asks 'Dad, what was that?'

He thinks on his feet and answer 'It was just a big insect, son', thinking that they would avoid an awkward conversation.

The son, still puzzled answers 'Damn... Did you see the dick on that insect?'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

'Let's have sex with a cat?' says the zoophile.

'Let's have sex with a cat and then torture it' says the sadist.

'Let's have sex with a cat, torture it and then kill it' shouted the murderer.

'Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again' said the necrophile.

'Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it' said the pyromaniac.

There was silence and then the masochist said: 'Meow'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore.

So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied'.

The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out.

The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on.

The next day, she said, 'What the hell', and put the entire bottle in.

A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, 'Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my as~~~~~ hurts and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: What did the O say to the Q?

A: 'Dude, your dick's hanging out.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her puss~~ 'Put your finger in me', she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.

'Put two fingers in', she says. So in goes another one.

She's really starting to get worked up when she says, 'Put your whole hand in!'. The guy's like, 'Ok!'.

So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud 'Put both your hands inside of me!!!'. So the guy puts both of his hands in!

'Now clap your hands', commands the girl.

'I can't', says the guy.

The girl looks at him and says 'See, I told you I had a tight puss~~~~
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A young man gets sent to jail, and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk.

After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk. 'Let's play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?'

Thinking quick, the man says 'Daddy.'

'Then come up here and suck Mommy's dick.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?

A: It's braille for 'Suck Here'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A woman explained to her doctor, 'My husband keeps insisting that my vagina is too big. I want to be able to shut him up, so I'd like your medical opinion of it.'

'Certainly,' nodded the doctor.

The woman got undressed, sat on the edge of the desk, and opened her legs.

'What a huge twat! What a huge twat!' exclaimed the doctor.

The woman scowled at him. 'Even if it is, there's no need to say it twice.'

The doctor looked sympathetic. 'I didn't...'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man goes to a doctor and asks him to take a look at his dick.
'But promise you won't laugh,' says the man. 'I'm very sensitive about my penis.'

The doctor agrees, but when the man drops his pants, the doctor can't help laughing, the dick is miniscule.

'I'm sorry,' says the Doctor. 'But that's the smallest penis I've ever seen. It's so tiny, I can barely see it. So what seems to be the matter with it?'

The man replies, 'Its swollen'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A woman went to the doctors and complained of being really sore.

'Do you have any idea why?'

'Well, I had sex with an elephant!'

'You did? But elephants are known to have small penises!'

'Yeah, but he fingered me first.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Little David was in his class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up: fireman; policeman; salesman.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.

'My fathers an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and he takes off all his clothes in front of other men', he replied.

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, took Little David aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No', said David, 'He plays for the Chicago Bears, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: 'Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.'

His wife replies: 'I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot.'

The man says: 'I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My doctor wrote me a prescription for 'dailysex'.

But the wife had to break it to me that it was actually for 'dyslexia'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Top 4 Signs You're Having Bad Threesome

4> Every time you and your buddy get kinda rough with the girl, she needs to be patched and re-inflated.

3> While it's 'technically' a threesome, your wife and her boss are in Vegas and you're participating via webcam.

2> The biggest breasts there are also the hairiest.

1> Your mom keeps telling you to 'Sit up straight!'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A guy runs out of a burning hotel wearing only a hat and carrying his jacket and pants in his arms.

He runs up to a fireman and asks, 'Have you seen a redhead with big tits and a nice as~~~

The fireman says, 'No.'

The guy says, 'Well if you see her, give her a fuc~ for me since I already paid for it.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One day Jason burst into the house and said, 'Mom! Dad! I have great news: I'm getting married to the greatest girl in the world. Florence has agreed to marry me'.

But that night Jason's dad took him aside for a little chat. 'I have some bad news for you, son', he confessed. 'See, I used to fool around a lot, and Florence is actually your half-sister. I'm afraid you can't marry her'.

Jason was brokenhearted, and moped around for a good six months, but eventually he started dating again. And a year or so later he came home with happy tidings. 'Vickie said yes! We're getting married in October, isnt that great?!'

Alas, Jasons father insisted on another private conversation and broke the bad news again. 'Vickie's your half-sister, too, son. I'm awfully sorry.'

This time Jason was beside himself with anger and grief, and he finally confessed to his mother. 'At this rate I'm never going to get married', he moaned. 'Every time I fall in love, Dad says the girl's my half-sister'.

'Don't pay any attention to him, Jason', said his mother cheerfully. 'See, I did some fooling around myself, and he's not your father'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you use a feather. Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Three couples traveling from out of town to a convention had to share two rooms at the overbooked hotel. They decided that the three husbands would sleep in one room, and the three wives would sleep in the other room.

In the middle of the night, the guy in the middle woke up and started to climb over the fellow on the end, who woke up, and said, 'What are you doing?'

'I'm going to go find my wife', he said. 'I just woke up with the biggest erection that I have had in years.'

And the fellow underneath said, 'Do you want me to go with you?' And the guy on top said, 'Why should I want you to go with me?'

He said, 'Because that's my coc~ you're holding'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Bobby woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his mother came in to see what was the matter. 'I have to make pee pee', wailed the little boy.

'All right',said his mother, 'I'll take you to the bathroom'.

'No!', insisted Bobby, 'I want Grandma!'.

'Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma', said his mother firmly.

'Huh-uh. Her hands shake'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A guy goes to a doctor and says, 'Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange'.

The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. The doc says, 'This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life'.

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, 'How are things going at work?' The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.

'No. The boss was a real as~~~~~, I had to work twenty or thirty hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy'. So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, 'How's your home life?' The guy says, 'Well, I got divorced about eight months ago'. The doc figures that maybe this is the source of the stress. But the guy says, 'No. For years, all I listened to was 'nag, nag, nag'. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch'.

Now the doc is baffled. He inquires, 'Do you have any hobbies or a social life?' The guy replies, 'No, not really. Most nights I sit at home, watch some porno flicks, and munch on Cheetos'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There once was a bear hunter who was getting frustrated at having no luck in finding his quarry. Suddenly, he felt a tap on his shoulder. It was a huge grizzly bear. The hunter was shocked when the bear spoke to him, 'I'll bet you are hunting me,' said the bear. 'You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuc~ you up the as~~~ The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to the latter suggestion.

The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.

The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge but sadly, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt a tap on his shoulder and the bear offered him the same choice. The hunter shrugged, dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.

The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture that bear and then kill him! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, his heart sank. He waited for the bear to offer him that dreadful choice. But this time the bear just said, 'You're not really in this for the hunting anymore, are you?'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One day, a mom was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found an S & M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

She showed it to her husband. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, 'Well, what should we do about this?' The dad looked at her and said, 'Well whatever you do, don't spank him!'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the crazy squirrel with a food fetish? He was fuc~~~~ nuts...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A little boy asks his mother, 'Where do babies come from?' Mom says 'The stork' and the boy says 'Who's fuc~~~~ the stork?'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A little old grandmother goes into a sex shop, obviously very unstable on her feet, shaking from head to toe.

Yyyoooungg Mmmmannn, she asks the clerk, ddddoooo you ssseeelllll vvvvibbbbrattttorssss?

Yes, maam, we do, he replies.

Bbbbigggg ffffffluoressssscent ooooorangggggge ones?

Yes, maam.

Abbbbooooooutttttt ssssssixxxxxxttttteennnn innnnchessss lllllooooonggggg?

Yes, maam.

Ttttthhhhatttt ttttakkkkkke eeeeeiggggghtttttt DDDDD Cccceeeelllll bbbbbattttteries?

Yes, maam.

Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A beautiful young woman wants to meet Santa Claus, so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.

Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the stockings. He is about to move on to the next house when the gorgeous redhead says in a sexy voice, Oh, Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away.

Santa replies, HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.

The girl drops her robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties, and says in her most flirtatious tone, Oh, Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while...

Santa begins to sweat but replies, HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.

The girl takes off her bra and says, Oh, Santa... please... stay. Santa wipes his brow but replies, HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.

She loses the panties and says, Oh, Santa... please... stay.... Santa, trembling, says, HEY HEY HEY, gotta stay, gotta stay! Cant get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the up button. Just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man.

The dwarf stares and says, You're the biggest man I have ever seen.

The man nods his head and replies, I'm 6'9, weigh 259 lbs., and I'm packing 16 inches. I'm Turner Brown. The dwarf faints!

After coming to, the little man asks the bigger one to repeat himself. I said I'm 6'9, 259 lbs., and I'm packing 16 inches. My name is Turner Brown.

WHEW! For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around'.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An office worker called his boss from home . He said, 'I'm not coming in today; I'm sick.'

The boss said, 'How sick are you?'

The office worker said, 'I'm lying in bed right now and I'm fuc~~~~ my sister. Is that sick enough?'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man says to his wife, 'I feel like some kinky sex! How about I blow my load in your ear?'

'No, I might go deaf!'

'I've been shooting my wad in your mouth for the last twenty years and you're still fuc~~~~ talking, aren't you?'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A guy got married, but unfortunately his dick was too small, so every time he had sex with his wife he secretly used a pickle on her instead.

For seven years he did that, until one night his wife got suspicious, so while they were doing it, she threw the covers off and turned on the lights! What the hell is THAT? she shrieked.

Are you using a pickle on me? Do you mean to tell me that for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of shit?

Shut the fuc~ up! the man shoots back. Its been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Daddy, what are those two dogs doing to each other?

Uhh... one's sick and the other one's pushing him to the hospital!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

What does a horny frog say?

Rub-it.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Bruce is driving over a bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila, about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, 'Sheila, what the hell do you think you're doing?'

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, 'Good-bye, Bruce. You got me pregnant and now I'm gonna kill myself.'

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. Tears spring to his eyes. 'Damn! Sheila, not only are you a great fuc~, but you're a real sport, too.'

With that he drives off.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man and a woman are sitting in a doctors waiting room.

Man: What are you doing here today?

Woman: Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it.

Man: Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looks thoughtful for a moment and they chat some more before going their separate ways.

A couple of months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same waiting room.

Man: Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

Woman [shaking her head with mouth closed]: Unh unh.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says, 'Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?'

The second guy says, 'Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two tickets to TITSBURGH.'

The first guy says, 'Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying Honey, can you please pass me the sugar? I said, You've ruined my life, you FUC~~~~ BITCH!'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had left was the ability to stand up while urinating.

It's a very handy thing, God told the couple.

Adam jumped up and yelled, 'Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I can just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!'

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

So Adam was given this wonderful gift. He celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

'Now let's see', God said, looking back into his bag, 'what's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms...'

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A tall woman meets a midget at a party. The midget is barely three feet tall but they are attracted to each other. After a few drinks they go back to the woman's apartment.

'I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget', says the woman.

'Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart, and close your eyes', says the midget.

The woman does as she is told and soon she feels the biggest thing she's ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman has climaxed eight times. 'Ooohhhh, stop, I can't take it anymore!' she screams in ecstasy.

'If you think that was good', says the midget with a smirk, 'Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two women are having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, 'I'll be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job.'

'Oh, that's nothing', says the second. 'I'm thinking of having my as~~~~~ bleached!'

'Whoa', says the first. 'I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A guy and his date are parked on a back road some distance from town. They are messing around when the girl stops the boy abruptly.

'I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge twenty dollars for sex.'

The boy reluctantly pays her, and they carry on.

After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sits in the drivers seat, staring out the window.

'Why aren't we going anywhere?' asks the girl.

'Well, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is twenty-five dollars.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?

Right before the pump turns off, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

After sex:

A hooker says, 'Well, sweetheart, did you get your money's worth?'

A mistress says, 'Darling, did you enjoy that as much as I did?'

A wife says, 'Beige... beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?

Because they have blond boyfriends.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An upstanding young man is looking for a pure wife, so he starts to attend church in hopes of meeting one. Sure enough, he meets a woman right away who seems very nice, so he takes her home.

When they get there, he whips out his manhood and asks, 'What's this?' She replies, 'A coc~~~

He decides that she is not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later, he meets another girl and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies, 'A coc~~~

He is annoyed because she had seemed more pure than the first but, oh well.

A couple of weeks later, he meets yet another girl and this one seems really pure. She wont go home with him for a long time, but eventually he gets her to go to his house.

He once again whips it out and asks, 'What is this?' She giggles and says, 'A pee-pee.'

He decides that he has finally found his woman. They get married, and on the wedding night, when he reveals himself, she giggles and says, 'That's your pee-pee.'

He says, 'Look, you're a married woman now, and you should know. This is not a pee-pee, it is a coc~~~ She laughs. 'No it's not, silly! A coc~ is ten inches long and black!'

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*******************Random Sexual Thoughts and Helpful Sexual Hints ***********************
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A caller swears that if a banana is hollowed out by squeezing it out, the remaining peel works extremely well as a stroker.
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Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his girlfriends.
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It's a fact, humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.
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If you would have saved a $1.00 every time you masturbated, what could you buy right now?
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If your significant other started charging a set fee for sex, what is the most you would pay?******************************************************************************************

Trust Me On This, If You Have To Ask If You Made A Woman Cum, You Didn't :(
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Anything can be a dildo if you're brave enough.
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'I have found men who didn't know how to kiss. I've always found time to teach them.' Mae West
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The only free sex is masturbation.

Masturbation is the only safe sex.
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When life gets tough, remember: You were the strongest sperm.
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When a man says he can lick a woman for HOURS it really means he is not good at licking women.
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I got a dig bick.
You that read wrong.
You read that wrong, too :)
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Do You Wonder If Life Has A Smoke After It Has Fuc~~~ You?
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An 'Askhole' is a person who constantly asks for your advice, yet ALWAYS does the opposite of what you told them.
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Would you rather have your parents walk in on you having sex or you walk in on your parents having sex?
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Would you rather have sex with a '10' or two '5s'? A'10' or ten '1s'?('1s' and '5s' are at the same time)
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Would you rather fuc~ Snow White or the Evil Queen? Little Mermaid or Ursula?
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'I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.'- Steve Martin
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Boner Killer- a phrase that perfectly describes what happens when conversation makes a wrong turn during a sexual conversation. Example: 'Calling me 'Daddy' was a real Boner Killer'
******************************************************************************************
I envy guys who get to say 'Suck My Dick' as a type of 'Fuck You' to as~~~~~~.

If I shouted 'Lick My Puss~~ I'd have 47 tongues up my skirt. Not a bad thing, but not the 'Fuck You' I was looking for.
******************************************************************************************

A 'French Road Trip' is 'a sexual act where ones partner uses his or her tongue to trace their entire body and orifices starting with the top of the head and ending at their toes making sure not to miss any areas including but not limited to vag, wang, balls and bung hole'.
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I wish I was a door so you could bang me all day.
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I want to suck it and lick it. I want to move my tongue all over it. I wanna feel it in my mouth. Oh yes, that's how I eat an ice cream cone if a coc~ is not available.
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1f u c4n r34d th1s, u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
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I'm still waiting for an answer to my question!!!!

Football, Basketball, and Baseball Championships suck if you are a whore like me. My cum bucket is empty because men cannot think about sex and sports at the same time. Why is that???

Are your sexual needs temporarily met by all the sexual references during the games? A guy going for 'deep penetration'? Watching balls fly between men's legs? The shape of the 'free throw' looks like a hard coc~~

I'll give you 15 minutes of extra phone time if you can explain why business is down when sports are on. You can call during Half Time!!!
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'It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to'. W. C. Fields

I will answerer to cun~, coc~ whore, dick magnet, slut, Mommy and Lulu.
******************************************************************************************

These are for my coc~ whores, you know who you are!!!! Sometimes I'm not available, so do some of these educational and fun activities until I am available.

1) Put your dildo in the freezer for 30 minutes. If you don't have a dildo, then why on earth don't you!?! You're a cum slut, and good cum sluts have dildos, so go out and get one! I suppose you could use a frozen banana or cucumber. After the 30 minutes is up, put a condom on the dildo, banana, or cucumber, and butt fuc~ yourself. (You don't want frostbite, so use a condom!) As a coc~ whore, you have to get used to getting fuc~~~ by all kinds of coc~~~

2) Go buy yourself the sexiest burgundy lipstick you can find. Come home and watch yourself in the mirror as you apply it. Practice your seductive looks. Get your dildo, banana or cucumber out and practice your oral skills. Remember eye contact is important. Set the scene by putting on some sexy music and lighting a few candles.

3) Put on your favorite pair of your wife or girlfriend's panties. (Actually you should go buy a pair that will actually fit you and arouse you) Write down all the observations you can make about the sensations you are feeling. For example, what does the material feel like? How do the elastic leg openings feel against your thigh creases? How pretty are your panties? How do they make you feel on the inside and the outside?
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Lately, I have been thinking about my handsome cousin. When we were younger, our parents would get together and leave us alone for hours in a bedroom while they were drinking and talking in the living room. We wasted a lot of time playing dumb board games. I wish I was the cum slut then like I am now. WE would have had a lot more fun.
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Some of My Boys Buy A Pre-Paid Credit Card At The Drug Store/ Convenience Store So Their Significant Other Can't Catch Them Calling Me. I Call Those Boys Very, Very Smart :)
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Someone emailed me a picture of a 'Strap-On Puss~~~~~ Sooo cute. I don't need one, but I have a few male friends who I'm sure would love to have one :)
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Some guys and girls are too embarrassed to buy sex toys. You can buy some of the best sex toys at the grocery store.

Cucumbers warmed for 20 seconds in a microwave can be better than a dildo.

Popsicles on a hot day are a great way to heat up and cool off down there.

Just make a hole in any pastry and slide it down your coc~ for a new sensation and have your partner nibble away at it.

Everyone knows whipped cream is a great addition to coc~ or puss~ but I love peanut butter on my nipples. It takes stronger licks to get it off ;)

I buy all my sex toys on Amazon in the 'Sexual Wellness' department. When the packages arrive my neighbors just think I read a lot.

Call me if you have some suggestions of your own.
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Tell Me A Secret So Nasty It Makes Your Coc~ Hard Just Admitting It To Me.
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Legally, it's questionable.
Morally, it's disgusting.
Personally, I LOVE it.
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If You Want Maximum Pleasure When Stroking You Or Others, Use A Silicone Lubricant. Hide It If You Have To. Forget Hand Lotion, Water Based Lubricants, Body Lotion, Baby Oil, Olive Oil, Motor Oil, Etc. It's Easily Found In Drug Stores. There Is No Excuse To Not Buy It And Use It. A Little Goes A Long Way. TRUST ME!!!
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I soooo don't mind a good old fashioned 'Slam, Bam, Thank You Ma'am!'
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If I Don't 'Teach' My Kids And Your Kids About Sex, Who Will?
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Okay boys, for the very LAST time, you are NOT going to eat my PUSS~, EVER!!! You can LICK it. You can SUCK it, you can FINGER it and you can FUC~ it. BUT you will NEVER, EVER eat it!!!! My boys NEED my PUSS~~~~ I NEED my PUSS~~~~ You have been WARNED!!!

While I'm on the subject of what you CAN do, let me tell you what I CAN'T do. I can't EAT your cum. I will lick it, suck it and swallow it. I will even play with it, but I won't EAT it. If your's requires chewing, I'm not the woman for you!!!

I feel much better with that off my breasts :)
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I Will Do Things To Your Mind You Wish You Had The Strength To Resist.
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Enjoying all aspects of a Sex Experience regardless of gender isn't shameful and it's time people stop making it out to be. Let's show them what they have been missing :)
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I Swear To You, I Won't Stop Until Your Legs Are Shaking And Your Neighbors Know My Name.
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The only time I kick a man out of my bed is when I want to fuc~ on the floor.
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As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him, he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.

He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist.

After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Good boy! : )

***********************************************************************************************
****************Newly Updated, Some of My Caller Requested Phone Sex Fantasies*****************
***********************************************************************************************

*** You are lying on your bed, eyes closed, head phones on, stroking your coc~~ You open your eyes to see me standing over you wearing just a black lace bra and panties. I am watching you stroke your coc~~ You scream out 'MOM!!!' You grab for a blanket to cover yourself up, I pull the blanket away and tell you not to stop stroking.

Call me if you want to hear the rest of the fantasy.

*** You have a very strong yearning to become a woman. Not physically, just on the outside. You long to feel the stimulating textures of women's panties, bra and stockings against your skin. You want to look in a mirror and see dark red lipstick staining your lips and mascara and eye shadow accenting your gorgeous eyes. You want to go to a bar and experience a man's hand sliding up your thigh under the skirt.

Call me if you want to hear the rest of the fantasy.

*** You know my married friend Rod? The guy I told you who has the beautiful big chocolate brown coc~~ He confided in me that he has wanted to try being with another guy. He asked if I knew someone. You have wanted to try the same thing. Come over tonight, Id love to watch you two play. I'll join in as needed.

Call me if you want to hear the rest of the fantasy.

*** It's the weekend and your mom says she doesn't want you hanging around playing video games all day in your bedroom. She tells you that Miss Lulu, the next door neighbor, asked if you'd like to do some chores for her and she will gladly pay you. You remember how nice her boobs look when she is watering the lawn. You go over and knock on her door.

Call me if you want to hear the rest of the fantasy.

*** You're my favorite student who always has a bulge in your pants when you're sitting at your desk. And because you're always watching me more than doing your school work, I tell you that you need to come to my class after school for some much needed 'one on one' time. When you arrive I lock the door behind you and begin to unbutton my blouse.

Call me if you want to hear the rest of the fantasy.

*** You and I have a nightly ritual when it's bedtime. We have been doing it for years. After you brush your teeth and hop into bed, I join you in your bed for some 'Mommy and me' time. We enjoy our time together very much. We don't tell anyone what we do because I would get into trouble. Daddy has been very curious lately because he has been hearing familiar noises coming from your room when I'm in there. He wants to start participating starting tonight. You want him to join us.

Call me if you want to hear the rest of the fantasy.

*** You find me on USLove.com. After several intense calls I break the rules and I invite you to come over so we can meet face to face. When you arrive I greet you at the door, grab your hand and lead you upstairs to my bedroom. I tell you that phone sex with you has been fantastic but now it is time for the real thing. Let me help you get those pants off first.

Call me if you want to hear the rest of the fantasy.

*** You have a fantasy that involves reality. You are not into role playing, you do not want to be Chewbaca to my Princess Leia, but you still need some sexual release. You want to talk to a sexually uninhibited woman who is willing to tell you real true stories about her sexual life and answer all your questions with very arousing details. Do you want to hear when and how I lost my virginity? Do you want to know how I satisfied my bi-curiosity? What's the kinkiest thing I've done? What is the biggest and smallest coc~ I've had? As you stroke your coc~ I will answer your questions in detail.

Call me and get all your questions answered while I get you off.

**You don't have a fantasy, in fact the less you have to talk the better. You just want to lay back on your bed and hear me describe very explicitly how I'm giving your coc~ an amazing blow job as you stroke it. Hopefully, you will let me hear you cum.

Call me to hear all the details!!!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
**************Lulu's Two Very Special Talk Time Offers***************************

First, if you buy a 30 minute call I will give you 15 extra minutes. I promise I will make the extra free minutes very special for you. You MUST mention the offer when you call ;)

Second offer is for my Penis Lovers, you know who you are, if you tell me you are a 'Penis Virgin' I'll give 10 extra minutes of talk time. I'll give you some helpful hints.

***********************Miss Lulu's Reading Reward **********************************

Finally, I appreciate anyone who loves to read like I do. If you have read this entire page, I want to thank you with 15 free minutes added to your call. Let me know that you read it and then take a brief oral quiz and then enjoy 15 extra minutes of whatever you want to talk about.

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